My Journey: Jen's Thoughts

To contact us Click HERE
I appreciate my children adding their thoughts to this process. The timing this week has been good, too. I needed a break, and I have a magazine to get out at the Bugler. I have had interviews with the Chief of Infantry and the Commanding General at Fort Benning. Between transcribing and revising, I haven’t had much time for other writing.

Jenifer was almost six when Allison died.



Today she is thirty-three, the lead esthetician at Zama Massage in Portland, Oregon, and does small business accounting on the side.


From Jen: 

You have asked before if I thought Allison's death could beconnected to some of my struggles as an adult today. I haven't really connectedwith that question. I didn't think it did. I don't feel sad. I don't feelgrief. I don't really remember that much about what I felt at the time.
 I remember wanting to go to the appointments with youbecause afterwards we would get a chocolate milkshake at that little milkshakestand around the corner from the hospital. At one of the appointments Iremember going into the bathroom with you. You had to pee in a cup and pass itthrough a little sliding door where lab people worked on the other side. Iremember you getting your finger pricked for a blood check. The doctor asked ifI wanted to get my finger pricked too, but I chickened out. I remember dadpicking us up and thinking that grandmother and granddaddy looked sad but Ididn't suspect why.
Reading your blog post did stir some emotion at one point.It was the post where you said I ran into the living room and saw dad crying. Icame up to him and said I knew why he was crying. It was because I reminded himof Allison. I told him that he had me and that I was going to take care of him.that triggered something. A memory. An emotion of feeling responsible and wantingto take care of things I wasn't supposed to have taken care of at six years old-- you, dad, the family, the house. It made me think for the first time thatmaybe you are right. Maybe there is some layer of my overly responsible attitude,my inability to let go and just have fun, the response I have to always seewhat needs to be taken care of...maybe it is more tied to Allison's death thanI realized.

I pondered your post for a few days. I guess it made me a little sad. Thena little angry. I wondered what my personality would be like today if Allison hadn'tdied and her loss wasn't a part of my early childhood years. I wondered howmuch of her death formed me into who I am today, especially the part of my overly responsible personalitythat as an adult has caused me and others so much struggle, misunderstanding andeven pain.

I don't feel angry at God or you or dad. I think I just feel sad. It's not allbad. I am a responsible person. That makes me a good employee. I am asuccessful business owner. I am a hard worker. People learn quickly that I amdependable. I can carry a lot and am quick to do so. I am very perceptive ofother's feelings. I know what other people need and give it, often at thecost of my own needs.

As an adult I am serious. I am often uptight and focused. It is hard for meto just let go and have fun. Having fun and laughing doesn't come naturally tome. I have wrestled with that for years. I have even hated it in myself. I havehad to learn how to laugh as an adult and it has not been an easy thing for meto learn. I am better, but I am still not as free as I wish I could be.

So perhaps you are right. Perhaps some of that is rooted in Allison's death. Iresponded to her death by stepping into responsibility mode. It is a mode that asan adult I still function out of a lot of the time.

Jen with her husband, Spirit.